Brussels Sprouts & Cyanide Pills


By Jay Kirell


Holy fuck, are you ready America?

Yes, you’re ready.

You’re freaking out.  You’re on edge.  You think the world’s about to collapse in a heap like a global Life-Alert commercial.  65% of you want to send ground troops to go fight ISIS.  56% of you want to shut the door on refugees fleeing ISIS.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say some of you are confusing the Land of the Brave with the Land of the Lost. This routine expedition towards the 2016 election hit the greatest earthquake ever known in the form of a terrorist attack in France and plunged us into uncharted territory both electorally and culturally.

How uncharted?

Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz together have a hold of 59% of the Republican vote.  One of those three is going to be the nominee.

That’s fucking insane.


Put aside the fact that Cruz is the most qualified of the three to be president.  That’s only because he’s the only one whose ever held elected office…and also the other two are empty vessels of ignorance and arrogance.  Cruz isn’t ignorant, but he is to slime what trees are to wood.  This is a guy who said the US should welcome Syrian immigrants just back in 2014, then this week came out and said it’s “lunacy” for the US to take in Syrian refugees now.

Ted Cruz, for those not aware, in addition to being born in Canada, is also the son of a refugee.

Talk about lunacy.

This field is so weak even the brain surgeon is a moron.  Did you hear his answer on foreign policy in the last debate?

This is it, in case you didn’t want to click the link:

Q: Do you support the president’s decision to now put 50 special ops forces in Syria and leave 10,000 U.S. troops in Afghanistan?

A: “Well, putting the special ops people in there is better than not having them there, because they that’s why they’re called special ops, they’re actually able to guide some of the other things that we’re doing there. And what we have to recognize is that Putin is trying to really spread his influence throughout the Middle East. This is going to be his base. And we have to oppose him there in an effective way. We also must recognize that it’s a very complex place. You know, the Chinese are there, as well as the Russians, and you have all kinds of factions there. What we’ve been doing so far is very ineffective, but we can’t give up ground right there. But we have to look at this on a much more global scale. We’re talking about global jihadists. And their desire is to destroy us and to destroy our way of life. So we have to be saying, how do we make them look like losers? Because that’s the way that they’re able to gather a lot of influence. And I think in order to make them look like losers, we have to destroy their caliphate. And you look for the easiest place to do that? It would be in Iraq. And if ­­outside of Anbar in Iraq there’s a big energy field, take that from them. Take all of that land from them. We could do that, I believe, fairly easily, I’ve learned from talking to several generals, and then you move on from there. But you have to continue to face them, because our goal is not to contain them, but to destroy them before they destroy us.”

Yeah, that’s a moron, folks.  His own campaign team has already come out and said teaching this guy foreign policy is like teaching a goldfish karate.

At least nobody thinks Donald Trump is a genius.  The charisma and spotlight acumen of an election campaign in the 21st century is enough to get him this far.  After first pissing off Catholic Mexicans with talk of a wall and mass deportation, he came out this week in favor of branding Muslims in America with some sort of Holocaust-echoing identifying marker.  Which means with a full year before the election, Donald Trump has managed to insult both Catholics, Muslims…and Jews!

Think of all the minor religions and sects he’ll get around to before election day.

Waiting on the opposite end of the stage is Hillary Clinton, who this week secured the Democratic nomination when literally everybody forgot Bernie Sanders was running and immediately wanted to know how the only non-insane person in the race with a chance of winning might react.

Clinton gave a focused, deliberate, professional response.  She sounded more hawkish than liberals would like, and sounded like Jane Fonda reading the Communist Manifesto to anyone watching on Fox News.

In other words, she ain’t changed a bit.

But at least you know what you’re getting.  A product.  Packaged and tested, certified and ready for consumption.  Candidate Hillary v. 2.0 has seemingly all the same bugs as the original, but looks a lot better because what we have to compare her to is a potential national emergency.

Neither Carson, Trump or Cruz can be the next president.  No, no no. They can’t even be the nominee of their party.

These men can’t be trusted with the lives of American troops.  These men can’t be trusted with the safety and stability of the free world.  These can’t be the decision-makers.  They can’t be the face of America.

They just can’t.  It would be national suicide.

I understand that the choice we often get in elections is often between two people nobody is really crazy about.  2008 was a wild ride I hope Millennials enjoyed because they might not love a candidate again for a long time.

Hillary might not be lovable like Obama.  She might not be fresh and exciting.  She might be the political equivalent of Brussels sprouts.

But at least she’s not the political equivalent of a cyanide pill.




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One Comment on “Brussels Sprouts & Cyanide Pills”

  1. Kt
    November 20, 2015 at 10:35 am #

    I’m going to agree but ONLY BECAUSE I know Sanders has a heart too big to be strong on foreign policy. I’m still voting for Sanders but I’m pretty close to positive Hillary will win primaries.


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